Burlington, ON– Local police responded to a distress call yesterday when an elderly man requested his stop but refused to get off the bus. Henry Jones, a retired watchmaker and all around grouchy shit, called for his stop at around 3 PM but neglected to actually get off the bus. Already out past his bed time, Jones remained on the bus until 4:45 all the while holding up the bus.
According to the driver, Jones and his motorized wheel chair got on the bus at the downtown terminal on John street, reluctantly paid his fare and flipped off the driver and every passenger in his way. “The guy was a real piece of work, he’s one of those old guys you just want to say ‘hey, I have a job, I pay my taxes, you can’t come in here and tell me there were no bus drivers at Nam’ to,” said David Portland the driver of the bus. “Not only did he smell like booze, but he smelt like pee too, it was gross.”
After five minutes of waiting for Jones to leave, passengers began to get impatient and took matters into their own hands. One passenger, who asked to remain anonymous said, “some of the other passengers began to get antsy and decided to try and instigate some motion from the guy, but no luck, he only started growling and shouted racial slures at people.”
Victims of the heinous waste of time decided the only way to remove Jones from the already behind schedule bus was to use force. “We started getting mad,” said Denis Butterfield a frequent transit user who was on his way home from the mall. “We tried to get near him but he only got angry, I mean really angry, he started to get violent whenever we approached.”
Eye witness reports claim that after Jones was antagonized by fellow passengers, he began to attack. “Using his umbrella as a lance, he pushed forward on his wheel chair joystick and began to charge his wrong-doers,” said Howard Moncton a kind-hearted gentleman. “The man was only defending his honor, it was a noble act of..nobleness.”
It wasn’t until police arrived at the scene that Jones took his ordeal to the streets. Refusing to get out of the way of the cruisers, Jones once again used his umbrella as a weapon lightly striking with all his force any who approached. “It was a real situation we had there,” said officer Jenny who apparently has no last name. “He told us that he was going to use his bayonet to strike us down. I don’t know what he meant by bayonet, I think he was meaning bagel,” Jenny added clearly dating her brain.
After all was said and done, none of the passengers were severly injured during the incident and all except the driver made it home safe. “I’m working a double tonight, so I have a while to go yet,” Portland said.
Although it never reached any extreme point, the situation will be remembered as one of the most heinous crimes to ever hit Burlington streets. “In all my years of policing this city I’ve never had to deal with anything like this,” Jenny added after learning what a bayonet is.
Due to the fact that his sleeping pills kicked in, Jones was not available for questioning.