Toronto, ON– It was a scene right out of a Hollywood movie when fifth grader Daniel Kinsman finished his last bit of math homework last night. Kinsman, who is known for neglecting homework so he can update his Facebook status with stupid fart jokes, used his time wisely and completed all the assigned chapters.
“The teacher assigned us chapters seven and eight, question’s one to nine,” Kinsman said while moving on to English. “It wasn’t much and it’s easy work, it’s long division. Also, no one was online to like my fart jokes.” Kinsman is currently working his way up from a “needs improvement” in the “takes innitiative” section of his report card, a grade he’s honored for three years straight. “It’s really great to see him finally put an effort in to his work,” said Alan Hurst, Kinsman’s fifth grade teacher and year long pain in the ass. “Next we just have to work on his quiz answers, last week he answered ‘what is the big bang?’ with ‘last nights fart in the tub, it might not have started a galaxy but I’m sure it could have ended one.”‘
After years of slacking off and being a constant disapointment to the family, no one is more proud of Kinsman’s recent improvement than his own parents. “It’s just so wonderful to know that he’s not up there filling his brain with obnoxious humor, it’s bad enough he is illiterate,” Kinsman’s father Mike Kinsman said after downing his fifth shot of whiskey. “When that boy was born I was affraid he was going to grow up to be a drunk like me, then when he started on this downward spiral in school I began wishing he would turn out like me. Now I’m back to wishing he wouldn’t turn out like me. I hate my life.” Kinsman’s mother, Linda Kinsman had nothing but good things to say about her only child. “I’m so proud of Kellen, he’s always been such a wonderful boy. He struggled a bit in school, but it’s clear now he’s ready to learn,” Mrs. Kinsman said while being reminded her son’s name was Alan. “Is that his name? Alan? Huh, who knew right? Well, whatever his name, his parents should be proud no matter what.”
Kinsman shows no intentions of furthering his recent improvements, updating his Facebook status to, “just finished chapter nine of math, and now on to science; a gas plus the force of me pushing creates one heck of a smell, can you say “hook, line and stinker?”