(THIS STORY IS BEST READ WHILE GOING TO THE BATHROOM)
You’ve seen it all, everything from A-Z on surviving a zombie apocalypse, but not everyone is necessarily interested in killing our lovable decaying, blood-gargling counterparts. Sure the whole “loosing your mind, limbs, life and hair” thing isn’t THAT appealing, but think about it, you cannot survive unless you die, figuratively speaking. With that being said, we compiled a list (counting backwards because counting forwards is too generic) of the easiest ways to becoming infected during a zombie apocalypse.
5. Battle-axe helicopter
Although this seems slightly anti productive, seeing that you want to become a zombie, it’s also one of the coolest ways to go out. If you find yourself wielding a battle-axe at any point in time during an apocalypse, simply charge out into the street (but not before brushing your teeth or having a shower because you don’t know when you’ll get another opportunity to) raise your axe to the gods above and swing that mother fucker in full rotation like a helicopter.
(**Insert: If you find you’re as tall as Shaq or Yao Ming, try crouching dummy**)
This should give you enough to decapitate one, maybe two zombies, then boom, next thing you know you’ll be one yourself.
4. “Forgetting” to turn the safety “off” on your gun
This has been overdone by Hollywood but still its all too common. When you find yourself combating a zombie, make sure (cannot stress this enough) you forget to turn the safety off. Remember, the key here is to die, you want to get infected, you want this to happen and forgetting to turn your safety off is one of the best ways for this to happen.
3. Not securing the safe-house before calling it a night
Zombies go out at night, not to drink, but to feast. Securing your safe-house is the dumbest thing you can do when trying to become a zombie. People are always putting so much effort into creating a safe-house that the infected can’t enter, and that is why those are the people you don’t want to stick with, well at least stick around until after the safe-house has been built, then that way you know how to get in. The people you want to be with are the ones incapable of building safe-houses (just watch Canada’s worst handyman and you’ll have an excellent list of applicants) because then you don’t even have to worry, it’ll be like getting teeth pulled, you’ll be asleep for the whole thing.
(**Insert: A strong example of a safe-house worth building is Neverland Ranch, a child could break into that place**)
2. Simply running out into a horde of zombies
Surprisingly this is not number one, mostly because its all to obvious that its the simplest way to going about getting infected. This is pretty self-explanatory, if you see a horde of zombies running after you, just run back at them, simple enough? If you’re incapable of running or simply don’t like physical exercise, just stand, lay or sit in one spot, they’ll come to you. Keep in mind, once infected you’re going to be doing a lot of running, so if you’re against exercise the jokes on you.
1. Dowsing yourself in hot sauce while running down the street naked
Everybody loves hot sauce, its the spice of life, in this case quite literally, and that’s why its the perfect thing to use when trying to attract zombies. This is not only an effective way to getting infected, but its also entertaining, you’ll be in for a good laugh during your last few moments. Just make sure you have no cuts when applying the hot sauce, because that could burn.
After reading this well established list, you can now see just how easy it is to become a zombie. It’s quite straight-forward really, you just have to do the opposite of what most people are doing and you’ll be well on your way to becoming a zombie. So we send you off knowing that we did our job in securing your rank amongst the infected, and who knows, maybe we’ll see you out there.